Super Smash Bros. Brawl is finely crafted video game. With the exception of some longish loading times, it's technically proficient: the graphics and sounds are well done and, for once, you can play online multiplayer. It provides the player with lots of options in character selection and in character and level customization. And, as it's really two games in one, it's a solid value. But I still hate it. Just like I hate beets.

It doesn't matter if the beets in question were watered with tears of gods and lovingly tilled by the hands of beautiful virgin maidens, I still think that they're disgusting. And so it goes with Super Smash Bros. Brawl.

Super Smash Bros. Brawl is really two games in one: a side scrolling adventure that is populated by almost every Nintendo character ever and a staged fighting arena in which those same characters face off in fights ranging from simple one on one bouts to full on brawls.

The side scrolling adventure, called "The Subspace Emissary", is a fairly standard 2D side-scrolling beat-em-up. Basic gameplay mechanics (move, attack, jump) will be immediately familiar to anyone that has played Super Mario or Street Fighter. The story seems to involve aliens of some sort (and maybe Bowser) turning all of our favorite Nintendites into little trophies for their personal collection. Your job, of course, is to use the few remaining Nintendites to free their buddies from what is certain to be the Trophy Case of Doom.

As stories go, it's not any more (or less) ridiculous than most side scrollers: some evil is accosting the land, and you must stop it. As you progress the through levels, you will encounter/rescue/be rescued by and/or otherwise unlock new characters to play with: Kirby, Donkey and Diddy Kong, The Pokemon Guy, Starfox, as well and a whole cast of characters that I (not exactly being what you'd call a Nintendo fanboy) have never heard of. Whether or not you play those characters isn't up to you, however. You play who the story wants you to play. I found that switching characters just as I finally got the hang of the one I was playing to be pretty disruptive and it seriously hampered my "enjoyment" of the game.

Then there's the fighting tournament/fighter thingy which is likely to be the primary attraction for most players. It's a pretty standard two player fighter. You pick a character or team to fight with, your opponent does the same (which will be random if you fight the CPU), and then you FIGHT! Pretty standard, really. There are about 35 different characters that you can choose from, and there appear to be plenty that you can't choose from that will appear as computer controlled opponents (ie, goombas). And for the first time, you can fight your friends via wifi. So nice of Nintendo to join the 21st century.

As you're pottering along through the side scrolling adventure, you'll find stickers. Later, by applying these stickers to the "trophies" you find of the various characters you can play, you can modify their abilities. You can increase their attack and defense ratings and so on. Since stickers are not inherently unique, you'll find multiples. But, since your actually putting a sticker on a trophy, there's only going to be so much room. Usually room for about four stickers. Having multiples of the same sticker, though, does allow you to put your favorites on multiple trophies.

There is also a level editor which allows you to create custom battlefields on which you can compete, though I understand that those custom battlefields cannot be used in online battles.

So, objectively speaking, I can look at Super Smash Bros. Brawl and say "hmm. that looks like a pretty decent game". It's got lots of features that the fighting fan wants. Lots of characters. With the customizable venues, essentially limitless venues. Online and offline multiplayer. Coop play for the side scrolly campaign. Plus there's the sickening nostalgia factor what with characters that haven't seen the light of day for nearly 20 years showing up to fight.

Subjectively speaking, the first words out of my mouth after I started playing it were "god I f@#$%&! hate this". I just don't enjoy the fighting as an end unto itself. This means that I have to rely on the single player story mode for fun. And since I don't really enjoy the fighting all that much, I have to hope that the level design is interesting and challenging, but it's not. It's just another venue for the fighting. For a game like this to be fun, I have to find the controls to intuitive and natural, but for some reason, they're just not clicking with me. Everyone's wired different, and my wiring just rejects this game outright. I even tried playing with both the Wii-mote and the classic controller, but I ended up hating both equally, though for different reasons. I didn't bother getting out my GameCube controller because I've always hated that thing, but hey, it is an option for those of you who liked them.

If you like the beat em up smash em up 2D fighting genre, then you'll find lots to love in Super Smash Bros. Brawl. But if you really don't, then you really really won't.